Are Boundaries Biblical?

Are boundaries biblical? I will give you the spoiler alert- yes, boundaries can be biblical. However, as anyone even remotely familiar with their Bible knows, trying to find a black and white answer that is sufficient in all cases is not usually the norm. So while the final answer may be yes, boundaries can be biblical, there is more to dive into when determining what boundaries mean, what they are meant for, and what God wants us to do with them.

As a counselor and as a Christian, I am very familiar with the clash that so often comes between modern psychology and God’s Word. Some of secular psychology states exactly what God has already spoken about human nature, sin (although psychology does not like to use that particular word), and behaviors and habits. Some of secular psychology is blatantly against Scriptural truth and as a Christian above all else, I stand on God’s Word rather than the world’s word. And then there are those times where secular psychology sounds so great, so truthful, so logical…..and at first glance, nothing appears counter to the Bible. So we’re all good then, right? Well….let’s take another look.

Boundaries has become a huge buzz word in the counseling and psychology fields in recent years, and has made its way into mainstream culture, to the point where it is virtually impossible to look onto any social media platform and NOT see a video toting the miraculous relational cure of simply setting good boundaries. Having a problem with your spouse? You’re not setting enough boundaries. Kids not behaving? Set more boundaries. Feeling tired, overwhelmed, missing something in life? Somewhere, somehow you are just not setting the right boundary with SOMEONE. Much like other terms that I enjoy poking fun of- like toxic (anyone else feel this word is becoming a little generic?)- boundaries has become such a common term that it begins to mean both everything and nothing at all. A side note on the word toxic- when our kids start using it to describe every person they know, it has probably ceased to mean anything.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend published the best-selling book Boundaries in 1992 (Zondervan), and it has remained a staple in the counseling world ever since. What was especially stand-out about this book is that it viewed boundaries through a biblical lens. This book was viewed in the Christian world as finally giving permission and freedom to set boundaries around relationships deemed (toxic?!) abusive, unmanageable, or unhealthy. It honed in on the idea that as Christians, even though we are called to love others, it doesn’t mean we have to be in a dysfunctional relationship with them. The Boundaries book raised points on how we can be more free to serve God effectively when we are not being sucked dry by people and situations that pull us away rather than build us up.

Let me be clear- I agree that boundaries are necessary at times and serve to safeguard ourselves from abusive and maladaptive situations. No doubt about it, knowing how to set healthy boundaries is an important emotional and relational skill.

But here’s the thing- it’s not God’s ideal.

To see why that is, let’s start in the Old Testament. The Old Testament is actually full of boundaries. God started out by creating physical boundaries- He separated the land from the sea and the earth from the sky. He put life and creation to an order that can only function the way it does within the boundaries that God set forth. The very laws of nature and creation are God’s first boundary- that as God, He alone holds the rights to.

Then God placed an expectation- a boundary- around the tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were not to eat from this, and in this way, God placed a hierarchical boundary between Himself and man. Again, a boundary that God holds the rights to, because He alone is God.

Man violated this boundary, sinned, and is now fallen short of the glory of God. Because of sin, God removed Adam and Eve from the garden and placed another boundary in the form of cherubim with flaming swords at the entrance. He gave Adam and Eve a way to have a physical boundary between each other in the form of fig leaves to cover themselves. However, there is a difference between these boundaries and God’s original boundaries- His original boundaries set forth His laws of nature and creation and declared Him as the sovereign God, an order in which God declared was good. His next boundaries were the consequences of sin.

The boundaries then continue- God set apart the nation Israel as His chosen people. He gave them very specific laws to follow, land boundaries to conquer, and the physical boundaries around the Ark of the Covenant, in which only the high priest could enter, one day a year. In this way, God placed a literal boundary around His own presence.

Now, in order to see boundaries through a biblical lens, we need to review how the Bible is structured, and the purpose behind all the confusing history of the Old Testament, the Levitical laws, and the devastating stories of the Israelites turning away from God again and again. The Old Testament demonstrates through a series of covenants between God and His people the story of redemption in leading God’s people back from their rebellion against God into relationship with Him once again. The primary purpose of the Old Testament is to lead us to Jesus and the need for a Savior. When left to their own devices, man demonstrated time and again that he was unable to live within the boundaries that God had established, and could not be holy and unblemished on his own. Those boundaries, and the inability to live within them, were, and still are, the tangible ways that we can see how we are unable to live up to God’s ideal on our own accord.

The Old Testament ends pretty bleakly. The Israelites have returned from 70 years in captivity, are slowly rebuilding their temple, and the prophet Malachai is warning of the coming day of judgment. The 400 years between the Old and New Testaments are often called the Silent Years, because it appeared that God had fallen silent, had abandoned the Jews, and that they were destined to live in separation from Him forever. Talk about a painful boundary.

Then we come to the New Testament. All of a sudden, we have a man who went about breaking boundaries left and right. Jesus ate with sinners. He associated with tax collectors, the scourge of the Jewish world. He physically touched those with disease and invited others to touch him. He broke other boundaries as well, the rules that governed life as a Jew. He healed on the Sabbath, He got in the way of the Pharisees imparting legal judgment on an adulteress, and He spoke out against the temple practices of the day. Not just the religious leaders of the day, but any modern reader of the Bible would get to this part of Scripture and say “Wait a minute! We had all the rules established and figured out, we knew what we were supposed to do and what not to do, and now they all seem to be contradicted!” Now we have the Gospel. In contrast to the down-to-the-letter boundaries around everything from relationship rules, to food laws, to what a priest’s robes should look like, the Gospel appears to be the antithesis of boundaries. We read that Jesus came to fulfill the law. We no longer have to experience separation from God, but God actually lives in us, and we are invited to have a fully intimate relationship with Him in which we get to share in the holy priesthood as God’s own image-bearer. Talk about lack of boundaries, huh?

Our salvation through Jesus Christ has turned all the relationship rules upside down. A central theme to the New Testament is unity. Paul spoke on Jews and Gentiles being one under the New Covenant. Jesus spoke on loving one’s enemies. The beginning of the Christian church in the book of Acts talks about the disciples sharing all they had with each other. This change in all the rules seems to indicate that breaking relational boundaries is fundamental to living a life in Christ. Just as Jesus invites us in total communion with Him, He also calls us to step outside ourselves and replicate that love, commitment, and even vulnerability with others around us.

Before anyone begins objecting, this is not to say that boundaries have no place or we have no need for them in our relationships. It is only to speculate that maybe boundaries are meant to be the exception rather than the rule for relationships. Maybe they are meant to be used more cautiously rather than used as a dominating guide to relationships.

There is absolutely no question that the necessity of boundaries exists in our fallen world. As a marriage counselor, my heart breaks at the pain that can be caused to another person. As a counselor, I hear stories daily of abuse, addiction, and traumas that lend a person no choice but to make difficult boundary decisions in all types of relationships. Boundaries are not just for relationships either: sometimes boundaries are necessary in order to protect someone from themselves, from temptations, from areas of weakness or sin.

What I am asking you to consider around the topic of biblical boundaries are not those obvious areas, but the gray areas. The areas in which any self-help website or eager-to-help friend will quickly tell you to set a boundary around and take care of yourself, but in which maybe Jesus has a higher purpose for us. Boundaries, even when well-intentioned and carefully thought out, tend to emphasize our own self-interest as the first priority. We want to set them when we’ve had enough of something. When we are exhausted, when we don’t know what else to do with a situation or a relationship, or when the conflict feels too large to handle. But is it possible that those are the very areas in which Jesus is saying, “I want you to walk through this. You don’t have to handle this on your own, or figure out how to endure. That’s my job. I know this seems impossible and even painful, but where your ability ends, that’s where you get to see that all things are possible through Me. I am growing you through this trial. I have so much for you that you cannot even imagine, but I want you to first persevere.” James 1:1-4 states “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Perseverance is continuing to walk through a difficult time, or alongside a difficult person, while trusting in God’s provision. When Jesus commanded His disciples to love their enemies, He followed it up with the question “What credit is it to you to love those who love you back?” Jesus knew there would be relationships that we would all face where it would take a superhuman effort to love them and stay in relationship with them. Yet He calls us to do it anyways.

Let’s address some of the common arguments that you may all be thinking. Didn’t Jesus set self-care boundaries? He went off on His own to pray, He retired for the evenings when He was tired. He absolutely did, but let’s go back to the exception versus rule piece- the majority of Jesus’ time was spent in relationship with those around Him. He frequently stopped His agenda in order to focus on someone’s needs, or stopped His disciples from trying to set boundaries on His behalf. He used the boundaries He did maintain to refresh and commune with His Father, and then returned to His mission. Too often, self-care as a focus and reason for setting boundaries can cross over into guarding our self-care above the care and love for others. What should be considered a gift from God in order to refresh and then continue our mission can subtly turn into an idol that becomes the top priority.

Doesn’t the Bible at times condone letting go of relationships? Matthew 10:14 is often quoted as a biblical validation for cutting off others: “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.” An Internet search on what others have to say about biblical boundaries found a Christian author asserting that this verse is about giving precedence to spiritual and emotional health. We always want to be careful that when looking to Scripture for guidance, we are not doing what is called “proof texting,” which is taking a verse out of context and fitting to our own liking. For this verse in particular, looking at the larger context we see that this is a very specific instruction that Jesus gave to His disciples when He sent them out to to spread His ministry to the nearby Jewish nations, and the act was to specifically send a message to Jews who rejected the Gospel. We have to be very careful about applying this as a general relational guideline not to make this verse or other verses mean something that they did not mean in their original context.

Although boundaries are not anti-biblical, the New Testament appears overall less concerned with personal violation and more concerned with reconciliation. There is a focus on persevering through hardship as opposed to avoiding it. Although some boundaries are necessary due to the fallen nature of our world, when boundaries become the default reaction to difficult relationships or situations, we risk missing out on opportunities for growth and maturity. In his insightful article in the Journal of Biblical Counseling, Ed Walsh states that boundaries describe life in a fallen world, rather than prescribe a component of a godly, healthy relationship (JBC, 22:3, 2004). Because of man’s decision to sin, God established the allowance of boundaries in order to created needed limitations, but those boundaries are the result of broken relationship, not inherently a positive thing. In other words, if a relationship needs extensive boundaries, there are deeper sin issues that need to be addressed in order to truly thrive.

To highlight how boundaries can be both necessary and at the same time not the ideal, think of how we feel when boundaries are set on us. We both want boundaries, but we feel constrained and isolated by them at the same time. We intuitively recognize that the need for boundaries is not part of God’s original good plan. Boundaries serve to keep people out while Scripture urges us to instead focus on what is inside us.

So how do we know when to set a boundary and when to persevere through? If boundaries are not the first recommendation in Scripture for those life areas that have gotten out of balance, what are the biblical alternatives? Here are some questions we can ask ourselves when deciding what kind of boundary to place on a relationship or a situation.

Are we biblically oriented at this moment? How is our spiritual walk at this time? There is no way around it- it is very difficult to discern where God is leading us if we are not spending time in the Word, in prayer, or seeking to align our hearts daily with a Jesus- centered life. When this gets off for us, our vision becomes skewed- worldly advice begins to make sense, it looks appealing, and we become increasingly concerned with ourselves. Reorient yourself to a biblical life before making a biblical decision.

Have we sought wise counsel? Others’ advice is never meant to replace God’s directions for us, but truly wise counsel will validate what you are finding as you dig into the Word for answers. Good counsel can prompt you to think on different facets of a situation and fully consider all alternatives. Seeking counsel from differing viewpoints, such as from a pastor, church or small group members, close friends, and a counselor can give you various perspectives that you can take back to the Bible to filter through.

Have our desires to please others become an idol? This question addresses a common reason given for setting boundaries- “I just can’t say no,” or “I’m a people pleaser.” Again, although you may find that you have to set limitations in order to begin dealing with this issue, the problem lies deeper, at the heart. When we have a heart issue, it doesn’t just hurt us, it also harms others around us. Our tendency to people please to an unhealthy level may be causing harm to ourselves, but the boundary we have to set as a result also causes hurt. The prescription, the boundary, is the result of the fall, and the remedy is not going to right the core issue. Only by dying to ourselves do we allow God to show us how to continue giving to others in a godly way that is about Him and not about us.

What does it mean to truly love the other person in this moment? No doubt about it, sometimes setting a boundary is what is it means to truly show someone else love. Anyone that has struggled through a family member’s addiction, or had to give their child a hard consequence knows that the loving thing is often the most difficult thing. However, frustration, anger, feelings of violation, and personal affront can quickly create a desire to protect and take care of ourselves first. Jesus commanded in no uncertain terms to first love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. Be honest with yourself when asking, “How does God want me to show love to this person right now?” Sometimes the boundary on the outside looks the same, but our motivations will determine whether our boundary is a godly action or not.

Is this boundary protecting what is God-ordained? God has given us some very specific commands throughout Scripture, and then plenty of areas that seem to be an “it depends” area. We have clear cut boundaries when it comes to marriage, for example- thou shalt not commit adultery, flee from sexual immorality- that protect marriage as an institution. Boundaries that protect our children and the sanctity of life are also protecting that which is God-ordained. Check the eternal importance and perspective of that which we are trying to guard.

As I already gave away in the beginning, boundaries are not unbiblical. Sometimes they are necessary and God certainly cares and allows us those provisions in this fallen, difficult, often painful world. However, as Christians we are also called to a higher way of living, and that is to emulate and grow more like Christ through our walk with Him. By practicing wise discretion and seeking to first be peace-makers and examples of God’s love, we can utilize boundaries as something to practice in exception while delighting in the trials that God has promised to grow and strengthen us through.

Jessica Young, LPC